Easy stress management strategies for parents - your kids count on you!

Dearest parents,

I hope you’ve had a lovely Easter break with all the fun it brings to kids and parents (if celebrating Easter is part of your tradition) and that you’re enjoying the last weekend of the school holidays.

However, if (parts of) the holidays were a bit tiresome with the kids bouncing off the walls on an easter egg induced sugar high or glued to their screens permanently, and you felt like you’re juggling a million things to keep them entertained or looked after while you’re working or doing other tasks parents need to do, you’re not alone!

The constant negative news about escalating global conflict, oil crisis, interest rate hikes and propelling costs for food and basic living aren’t helping parents to relax, either. It’s all a bit much at the moment.

It’s helpful to know that our own internal state has a major impact on our kids’ internal and external state (i.e. their ability to cope and their behaviour). They need us to be calm, joyful and strong so they can also be calm, happy and resilient - and learn how to get back to that after big emotions hit.

I’d like to share some very simple but effective strategies that have always helped me whenever I felt overwhelmed, exhausted or even angry. They’re still my go-to!

How our own level of stress influences our kids' behaviour and ability to cope

Some stress is normal, of course, and even useful. But when it affects our mood, even slightly, research clearly shows: Children pick up on our emotional state immediately (it's called “emotional contagion”). So, when we’re a bit dysregulated, anxious or snappy, it brings them out of balance, too. And I think we all know that can be the start of an escalating vicious cycle!

Children’s and teen’s brains aren’t fully developed yet

The brains of babies and children are growing and changing very fast. Unfortunately for us, the last area to be fully developed is the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for emotional self-regulation, impulse control (e.g. resisting distractions, suppressing inappropriate responses), decision-making, the ability to anticipate consequences, problem solving, reasoning, the ability to adapt to unexpected changes, etc.

Until that area is fully mature (around age 25!), the brains of children and teens rely on their Amygdala: the “emotional headquarters” and survival system. It triggers immediate emotional responses like fear, pleasure, or anger. It can also activate an increased heart rate as part of our fight or flight response.

So, the prefrontal cortex is like a “braking system” that enables thoughtful responses rather than impulsive reactions. The younger the child, the less ability it has to balance emotion with reason. However, teens also really struggle keeping their emotions under control as their brain is being re-arranged rapidly during puberty – as many parents of teens would readily confirm  😉

So?

Children rely on us parents (our brains are fully matured!), to do the regulating for or with them! When parents manage their own emotions well, it not only gets children back to centre in that moment, but also tremendously helps their own development of those important skills.

When we’re stressed or under a lot of pressure, our own amygdala is much more likely to take over and temporarily override our prefrontal cortex with basic emotions or the fight, flight or freeze response. If a child pushes our buttons in that state, it’s very hard not to escalate the situation, virtually impossible to show empathy and unlikely to find a fair solution. It usually ends in a lose-lose scenario (you might “win” the argument or make them do what you wanted by threatening consequences or the like, but you might feel bad for it or your stress levels are even higher than before).

How to effectively reduce stress at different times of the day

The following tips seem almost ridiculously small and too easy to have big effects. I promise, they work! The key is, however, to make them into a habit – small and consistent beats big and occasional.

Choose one or two of these and start doing them every day. If you like keeping a journal, it’ll help you notice the change.

• Before getting up: Checking in with yourself for a few minutes brings you into a calm state before you even get out of bed. I do this almost every morning – it makes a big difference!

  • Body Scan: While lying in bed, do a quick body scan (i.e. try to feel each part of your body as if you were scanning it with your mind from the crown of your head slowly moving down towards your feet). Just notice HOW you feel, no judgement. This stops stressful thoughts and shifts your perception by starting the day with awareness. Takes 2-5min.

  • Morning Glory: Think of something (small) that you’ll take time for and enjoy today (cup of tea/coffee, a short walk, a play with kids, go to the beach, a snooze, …). It has to be something realistic to fit into your busy day, so it doesn’t add to your stress. This shifts your focus on the positive. Takes 1-2min.

    

    
    

• After getting up:

  • Tech break: Stay away from your phone for the first 30min. I know this can be hard, but it’s proven that news and social media first thing in the morning add to stress, fuel anxiety and distract you from real life. Takes no time/gives you more time.

  • News-diet: Listen to/watch/read the news only once a day – negative information impacts our mood and stress levels. Gives you more time.

  • Fresh Air: Open the window or step outside briefly and take a deep breath of fresh air. This creates space and adds energy. Takes 1-2min.

• During the day:

  • Morning glory in action: If you did the morning glory exercise, make sure to put it into action. This gives you a positive feeling of calm, satisfaction and reward.

  • Feel your feet: If you feel yourself getting stressed (rushing, short-tempered, impatient, anxious, …), try and feel your feet on the ground. Where’s the main weight? Is it evenly distributed? This brings you out of your head and back into your body, which has an immediate de-escalating effect. Takes 1-2min.

  • Screens: If you genuinely need a break and screens are your only option, choose TV or a movie or show (not YouTube!) over devices or videogames, which are too stimulating (or even harmful if online content isn’t controlled) and wind the kids up even more. 

• In a moment of chaos/when you’re about to snap:

• Stop: Make a pause instead of reacting. Even 2 seconds break the cycle of your automated response, as it re-engages your pre-frontal cortex over the amygdala. Take a deep breath (or even better, try the physiological sigh below), count to ten or name a few objects you see around you in your head – whatever works! This takes a bit of training as our fight or flight survival response is so powerful. Takes 1min.

• Physiological sigh: As above but using a specific way of breathing to activate your parasympathetic nervous system (our body’s natural calm-down system). It works instantly, in the middle of the chaos, without leaving the room. Here's how you do it: 1) Breathe in through your nose to fill your lungs.2) Take a second short breath in on top, really pack them full.3) Let it all out slowly through your mouth (exhale longer than inhale).The longer exhale is the key; it literally slows your heart rate within seconds. Takes 1min.

• Remove yourself: If you really feel like you're about to lose it, it's actually good modelling to say to your kids: "I need a moment to calm down, and then I'll come back to you" and remove yourself from the situation for a short while. Note: only do this if everyone remains safe and there’s no damage to things while you’re out of the room, of course. Takes 1-10min.

• Evening – when everyone’s running on empty I find the evening is a great time to reconnect, even if it’s briefly. Connection is a basic need for us humans. We need it to feel calm, safe and content. Therefore it's a great stressbuster!

  • Active listening: Ask your partner or your children about their day and truly listen (not wait your turn to speak). What did they love? What was hard? Takes 5-10min

  • A meal together: make it simple or get take-away to reduce pressure. Talking about what’s happening tomorrow over dinner is a great way to get everyone on the same page. This prepares the kids for the next day, leads to less surprises and smoother transitions. You could ask everyone (you included!) about something they’re looking forward to tomorrow, even if it's tiny. It's just about creating a calm, positive outlook for the evening and next day.

  • Thanks for today: Before you go to sleep: think about one thing you’re grateful for today. It doesn’t have to be profound! “I loved sitting in the sun for a few minutes before work” is fine. It gently shifts you into a positive mindset before sleep. And, of course, the body scan stops busy thoughts before drifting off, too. Takes 1-2min.

I hope you can see how little time and effort these strategies take. We often think it’s complicated and then we don’t even try. Small steps consistently is what works; no revolution required.

Choose just one or two of them and incorporate them into your daily life. The more you practice when life is relatively peaceful, the easier for you to use this tool in a moment of stress.

When parents feel more regulated, kids do better. A parent's calm behaviour buffers children against the effects of stressful environments. So, looking after yourself IS looking after your kids! If you’re cool, they’re more relaxed, which in turn makes it easier for you to stay balanced. You've created a virtuous cycle!

If you’re ever unsure about how to start or if you feel unhappy about how things are going in your family, please feel free to give me a call - I’m always happy to help.

Till next time!

Much love,

Anke x