“Explosive” child? Here’s a peaceful approach that truly works

Hi there parents,

Some kids seem to “explode” more easily, more violently and more frequently than others, often bringing their parents and families to the brink of exhaustion. These explosions can range from screaming and swearing to hitting, biting, spitting and damaging property. The explosions usually happen when the child is asked to do something he doesn’t enjoy (e.g. doing homework, tidying up, getting dressed or out of the house) or to stop doing something he enjoys (e.g. having screentime or playing with his toys).

Parents who are at their wits end often start questioning their parenting abilities (even when they have other children who don’t exhibit such concerning behaviours). And many therapists still prescribe more parenting discipline, more consequences, more sticker charts and time-outs to manage these kids. Sometimes these measures lead to a short-lived improvement, but most times they are ineffective or even counterproductive. I believe that this is because they’re based on an incorrect assumption about the true causes for these explosions.

Image: Zahra Amiri

1)      Change your lens: Kids do well - if they can!

What if your child didn’t explode because she just “craves attention”, “knows how to push your buttons”, “simply isn’t motivated”, “is too spoilt” or “tries to manipulate you”?

What if kids’ explosions are their way of communicating that they’re unable to respond adaptively when they’re asked to meet a certain expectation?

Children wouldn’t choose to be maladaptive. Children generally do well, if they can. Explosive children don’t choose to explode. Rather they don’t have the skills (yet) to be more flexible, to deal with change, certain situations or frustrations and to respond appropriately. Like a child with a reading disability doesn’t choose to struggle with reading, she simply needs some extra help to learn how to read more fluently. Threatening her with consequences would make little sense and if anything, increase her stress levels, anxiety and shame in relation to reading, leading to even bigger struggles.

This change of perception helps caregivers move away from motivational explanations (see above) for their child’s concerning behaviours to a more accurate but also more compassionate understanding. This is fundamental in order to be able to resolve the issue.

2)      Identify what skills your child or teen is lacking

Once you’ve changed your lens concerning the causes for the explosive behaviour, try to find out what skills your child is (sometimes) lacking that make it difficult for him/her to handle problems or frustrations or to meet certain expectations.

This could include skills such as regulating their activity level, handling transitions from one activity to another (e.g. from TV to dinner), control their impulses, being flexible when a previously made plan has to change, appreciating how their actions can affect others, having a good sense of time (passed or needed), etc.

3)      Identify and prioritise situations or instances that make your child “explode”

Even though it might seem that your child’s explosions are completely unpredictable, the  opposite is often the case, once you have a closer look. Think from the start of the day to the end: what are the ordinary tasks, situations, or requests your child has difficulty handling calmly or that you keep reminding him/her about (until they explode)? Are there certain people or places that pretty reliably trigger an explosion?

For example:

• Certain tasks or activities that your child has difficulty starting or completing (such as homework, getting dressed, brushing teeth, stopping watching TV, etc).

• Siblings or other children or people your child has trouble getting along with in certain situations (e.g. sharing something they had prepared/envisaged for themselves; going to swimming classes; having dinner with relatives, etc.).

• Certain environments that regularly lead to a meltdown (e.g. supermarket; grandparent’s house, …)

These are the “unsolved” problems you need to start resolving with your child in order to help them explode less or not at all.

Prioritise these unsolved problems: which ones, if resolved, would reduce explosions significantly. “Park” less important problems or temporarily drop the expectation to reduce pressure on the child (as well as the number of explosive episodes) while you’re working on the high priority problems.

4)      Solve the problems you have identified proactively and collaboratively

In order to truly solve the “unsolved problems” that you have identified in step 3), you need to be proactive (i.e. YOU have to start the conversation with your child). The key is to do this in a calm moment, maybe over a treat - and not when an explosion is imminent.

(Note: in the latter case, e.g. your child is running away in a parking lot and might get hit by a car, your unilateral solution in that moment has to be to keep your child safe). The collaborative solution can be worked out at another time, see below.

As with all conversations with children and teens, it is even more important to start with empathy with explosive children in order to create a connection before you can identify their concerns. This means being non-judgemental, understanding and to truly listen to what they have to say without interrupting, correcting, or suggesting any unilateral solutions.

Once your child has explained their view of the unsolved problem, you can then describe your own concerns. Make sure you remain calm, kind, neutral (i.e. without any reproach or anger).

Then you can both start thinking about solutions. The emphasis is on BOTH. Hold your tongue and let your child or teen start. They might not come up with an idea just yet, give them time to think about it and reconvene later before you suggest something.

The requirement for a solution is that it has to be realistic and work for both parties. This can be a process and doesn’t have to be completed in one session.

Even when you’ve worked out a solution together, it might need further fine tuning as it’s implemented.

This process not only reduces or stops explosions, at least for this one unsolved problem. It also teaches your child the skills they need to respond more adaptively to future unsolved problems, when they pop up. It’s a double-win.

If you’re unsure of where to start or feel concerned about your child’s behaviour, please feel free to give me a call - I’m always happy to help.

I hope this information has been useful on your way to more harmony in your family. Please contact me with any feedback or questions, I’d love to hear from you!

Till next time!

Much love,

Anke x