A smartphone for Xmas? Make sure you read this beforehand!

Finding a shiny smartphone under the Christmas tree is what many children and teens are hoping for this year. It seems like a fabulous gift to start with: parents can stay connected with their kids, know where they are, helping them become more independent organising their own activities and catch ups – and the included entertainment for the kids is literally endless.

However, once you’ve given your child a smartphone, you will soon realise something else: your family life will change. Most children become less available for family time, for discussions and family activities. They are absorbed by their screens, reacting to notifications, messages, streak demands, searching stuff online and scrolling through images and videos. Young brains can’t help it: the screen trumps any other activity, and it’s not the kids’ fault. Once they have smartphone, it’s very hard to go back.

Of course, there are ways to avoid that, and they're not that difficult. The issue is that many parents aren’t aware nor prepared. When the impacts start hitting the family’s everyday life, the situation quickly becomes overwhelming. Any try at curbing a child's activities on the phone or their access to it at this point quickly ends in drama or conflict.

Read on so this won’t happen to you!

Why would smartphones even be an issue now that the social media age restrictions are in place?

Many of you might know this already, but let’s start with a brief recap of some facts. Research strongly suggests that smartphones are NOT helping your child grow up to be resilient, independent, happy, mentally stable, connected and strong – even with the new social media laws in place (in Australia):

• A 2023 study by Sapiens Lab has shown that smartphones significantly impact children’s mental health short and long term. The younger the child when receiving their first smartphone, the bigger the negative consequences: detachment from reality, hallucinations, repetitive or compulsive actions, addictions, aggression towards others, suicidal thoughts. These often become most apparent when they’re 18-24 years old.

• Jonathan Haidt, author of “The Anxious Generation” (a highly recommended read!) adds to that: loneliness and social deprivation (looking at screens and conversing in an asynchronous fashion rather than communicating in person in real time), sleep deprivation (due to “vamping”), fragmentation of attention and focus, and addiction. I would add to that the huge potential for sexual exploitation and exposure to harmful content, lower grades in school as well as physical impacts (posture, eyesight, weight gain/lack of movement).
  

  

OK then, what could I do instead?

1. Wait with any type of phone until your child is at least 12-14 years old

   • This depends on your family’s situation, where you live, how your child gets to/from school, how close you live to their friends’ places etc.

   • We all grew up without phones. Still, it can be hard to let go of our fears about their safety. If we teach them our phone number and equip them with the skills how to ask for help or ask someone to use their phone if there is an issue, they’ll get a great sense of agency and independence.

   • I managed to do this until my older son was 12 years old. He then moved into high school, having to ride his bike into town to take the school bus. He wanted to be able to call me in case they decided to stay in town with his friends after school. We bought a simple “retro phone” (see below) from Optus so he could call me if necessary. He’s now turning 15 and his younger brother, moving into high school in February, will inherit that little phone.

   
   

2. Provide them with a smartphone alternative until they’re 16:

   These phones/watches provide the possibility to keep in touch without the high level of distraction and addictive features of smartphones (if set up correctly).

   
   

   There are 3 types:

• Retro phones, also called flip phones or “dumb” phones (despite being a very smart choice) – they’re the old-style Nokia type phones with a small screen and 9 buttons for a keypad (makes typing messages a pain).

  The main functionalities are phone, text messages, time/alarms, calculator. Some have an FM radio, a torch and a basic camera. Nokias often include the classic “Snake” game (nostalgia!).

  They don’t need a plan that includes data as they don’t have any apps that require it nor can you download any. Their batteries last a very long time on a single charge, which is a huge benefit.

  Example: KidComms P110, Nokia 2660 Flip.
  

• Smartwatches: they’re a chunky digital watch that includes messaging, phone, an SOS button, school mode and often a “safe zone” functionality. They have developed from fitness trackers and range from basic communications to very gimmicky (including games, fitness awards, etc.) at which point they’ll become as distracting as a smartphone.

  Watch out for hidden subscription fees for the parental controls app that you need in order to set them up (in addition to the SIM card/mobile plan).

  Examples: Kidsoclock GL30, Spacetalk Loop
  

• “Startphones”: They look like a smartphone but have strong security and controls built into their operating system. Some come without a camera (often a key entry point for sexual exploitation) or the camera app can be locked. They’re a great option if you want location tracking (incl. safe zone alerts) and allow only whitelisted numbers to contact your child. Typing messages is a lot easier compared with a retro phone due to the on-screen keyboard. You can enable apps like Music, WhatsApp, Google Maps etc., but keep a secure lid on anything else. Some allow you to add functionality/apps as your child/teen becomes more mature. Again, watch out for hidden subscription fees for the parental controls app that you need in order to set them up (in addition to the SIM card/mobile plan). Examples: Opel Mobile Smartkids phone, G-Mee connect 2
  

I’ll put together a list of recommendations for alternative phone models for different age groups in my next post, stay tuned!

Your decision to choose options 1 or 2 has positive consequences:

Isn’t that more than worth it?!

The more parents you can motivate in your child’s environment to do the same, the lower the peer pressure and the easier it is – both for your child and for you! Check out the Heads Up Alliance or Wait Mate on how to join the delay the smartphone parent movements in Australia.

If you have already given or decided to give a smartphone to your child/teen under 16, you could:

1. Reconsider

   • In my view, there is always a possibility to change the way forward. We can learn more about something and take a different decision based on that improved understanding, for example about the risks of a smartphone despite social media laws. You’re the parent, you’re the guide, you decide - but not impose. Note: if they're currently struggling with losing access to social media, be extra careful and consider their level of stress before making additional adjustments. It might be too much too quickly.
     

   • If you DO change your approach and decide to give one of the alternative phone types above despite having promised them a smartphone, or, much more difficult, take the phone off your child/teen after they’ve had it for a while, you’ll need to be well prepared. It will require a couple of good talks starting with A LOT of empathy for their understandable disappointment.
     

   • Start by telling them about what you have learned that makes you question your previous decision (see possible reasons above), but without lecturing. Hear them out, ask them about what functionalities and apps they're using that are most important to them. Take one step at a time and explore together, how this could be achieved with an alternative phone type and research which one would be the most suitable. Your connection and calm are more important than covering all the points, making the change in a hurry or finding a perfect solution.
     

2. Ensure your rules are clear and the settings on the smartphone are done correctly to reduce the negative impacts listed above

   • Clear rules around device use are very important. Discuss and negotiate these together and write them down in a media use agreement. No. 1 rule: no devices in bathrooms or in bedrooms overnight.
     

   • I have described what controls to put in place on the phone in my post “Your child’s first smartphone – what parents need to know”. Most can be found in the “Screentime” settings on iPhone, “Digital Wellbeing and parental controls” on Android or Google FamilyLink or via external apps like Life360.
     

   • Be aware that kids and teens are very good at finding ways around these (pushing boundaries is in their job description, after all!). All they have to do is google it! From factory resets to secretly screen recording while you’re entering the parental controls PIN or changing the time zone, it’s not that hard, because the controls are not part of the operating system (compared with the alternative “startphones”).
     

   • It also depends a lot on the age, maturity and personality of your child or teen, and your relationship. Are you setting them up for failure by asking them to show enough self-control and making them cheat given the massive temptation to access those forbidden apps? Their brains are still developing, and the executive functions that are required, won’t be there until their early twenties! It’s unfair to ask them to do something they simply can’t (yet). Even us adults struggle to put our phones down, and we have no such excuse ;)
     

   • So, if your child or teen is likely to go underground and cheat access, just don’t give them a smartphone. It’ll erode trust, cause a lot of conflict and set you all up for failure – not just now, but in the long term. If you can, choose one of the other options.
     

   • Have those initially difficult conversations now. It won’t last very long but it’ll have a huge positive impact and much easier conversations for a long time to come.

   
   

I hope this information has been useful for your decision around giving a smartphone at this moment. Please send through any other questions you might have!

If you’re unsure of how to start the conversation, which phone/watch to choose or which phone settings to put in place, please feel free to give me a call - I’m always happy to help.

Wishing you a very happy Christmas break, filled with quality real-life connection with your children and family, and a restful holiday.

Much love,

Anke x