Your child’s first smartphone - what parents need to know

Hi there parents,

Has your son or daughter been nagging to finally give them their own smartphone? Are they feeling left out because “all the others” in their class have one? Or maybe your child or tween already owns one. Either way, I've covered both scenarios in this article. I explain what to consider before you buy a phone for your child and what you need to look out for and set up once they have it. It’s not a buy and forget scenario – smartphones DO have an impact on family life and your proactive involvement is crucial in order to keep things in flow…

We wouldn’t leave a child that can’t swim yet by the pool and let them “figure it out”. The same should apply to their first smartphone.

Many Australian kids will get their first smartphone when they’re between 10 and 12 years old. A lot of parents feel that the transition from primary school into high school is a good time for this. As their children become more independent, parents want to be able to contact (and sometimes locate) them. The kids might now get to and from school by themselves, hang out with others after school, want to communicate with friends directly and organise their own activities.  However, once they have a smartphone, it’s going to be very hard to get them off it, and to keep on top of what they’re actually doing online. It’s our responsibility as parents to keep them connected, healthy and safe.

Smartphones often lead to reduced communication within the family. What’s needed (from us parents!) is the opposite: We need to talk with our children and be actively involved!

• It’s important that we help them manage their screentime (much harder with a mobile device that fits into their pocket). Developing brains simply don’t have the executive functions (e.g. self-control) yet to resist the excitement and addictive design offered on smartphones. The younger the child, the less able the brain to withstand the lures of the online world. See my post Why kids and teens get hooked on Smartphones and Social Media for more details.

• We need to educate our child/tween about and protect them from:

  • Exposure to age-inappropriate content or ways of communicating (e.g. hate speech and bullying, sexual and/or violent content, extremist views etc.); there is no age rating for the internet.

  • Cyber security risks (e.g. grooming, child sexual image abuse, sextortion, stalkers using location services etc.)

  • Data privacy laws (e.g. taking or sharing photos without consent), and

  • Data theft (e.g. using certain apps that sell their data)

in an age-appropriate way and without moralising. The key is that they’re able to recognise these dangers and that they feel they can talk to you and trust you to help (rather than judge or blame) them. The e-safety commissioner website is an excellent resource for how to talk to children as well as teens about these topics: Parents | eSafety Commissioner

• We need to educate ourselves about the risks related to excessive smartphone use concerning children’s and teen’s mental, social and physical health, and how to mitigate them. The most well documented include attention fragmentation (incl. reduced ability to learn and focus), decline in social and face-to-face communication skills, sleep deprivation, lack of physical exercise, eye strain, body posture and back issues, increased stress/anxiety and fear of missing out (FOMO – often linked to social media use) and addiction. Many of these have follow-on effects on self-esteem and self-worth. For additional information see my posts about social media (split up in 2 parts: more for girls and more for boys).

More and more children are using the internet independently and without any adult guidance (in particular from the age of 6 onwards). So, thank you for being pro-active and empowering yourself by reading posts like this one!

 

If you haven’t given your child/tween a smartphone yet but are considering it:

1. Delaying giving your child a smartphone until they’re at least 13 or older is a great idea. This is because it significantly reduces their exposure to the risks listed above until their brains are just that bit more mature.

2. A flip phone (or “dumb phone”) that can only do calls and texts (rather than accessing the internet and online apps) and maybe has a camera could be sufficient until that age or even older.

3. Talk with your child/tween about what they most need the phone for? (How) Could these things be achieved with a flip phone or no phone? How many of their friends truly have their own smartphone and for what? Are their friends communicating via specific apps? Would your child really be “excluded” from the class/group of friends or what is their concern what they might be missing out on (no matter whether real or imagined)? Could there be other ways of communicating and being included?

   FYI: The graph below shows what kids between 6-13 years use their phone for[1]… not for calling their friends! 😉 The study is from 2020 but the top 3 uses, which are exactly the concerns experts have re smartphones, would only have increased since then. The 3rd and 4th most important uses of sending or receiving text messages and calling parents don’t actually require a smartphone.

   

   Smartphone use by Australian children 6-13 years of age (2020)

4. Buy the phone for your child but not as a gift. If the devices in your household remain your property and the kids are allowed to use them, it’s easier to keep in control of the rules that apply (like when/for how long/what for they can be used, what can be installed, etc). Using those devices is more of a privilege for your kids, not a right.

 

If your child/tween already has a phone or is about to get one:

1. See no. 4 above. You owning the device will make a difference in how entitled your child/tween/teen feels about their phone and its usage. If you’ve already given it to them as a gift, don’t worry, you can still drive home the privilege vs. right point – it was your money, after all. If they’ve earned it themselves, or bought it from pocket money, it’s truly theirs, of course.

2. Ensure the security settings on the phone are set to high. A good overview and step-by-step guide on what settings to choose can be found here: Parental controls | How to keep your child safe. Consider installing a third-party parental controls app if you feel this will help manage usage and reduce risks and the phone-internal security settings seem insufficient. The rest is better based on education, communication and trust, at least for tweens and teens. You do need to spend the time on developing these though.

3. Don’t allow for downloads to be made without talking with you and obtaining your consent. Ensure your payment details are not stored and set a password for downloads (see link above, too).

4. Disable most app notifications (except for calls and text messages). This will significantly reduce the interruptions and conditioning caused by constant buzzes and pings. You do this in the Settings à Notifications or Settings à Apps area.

5. Consider buying a refurbished phone rather than new to reduce the danger of costly damage or loss. It doesn’t have to have the best camera, either. It’s not as cool, of course, but all this helps lessen the hyper-attractiveness of the phone and its use as a prestige object somewhat. A sturdy case and a screen protector are highly recommended.

6. Establish a smartphone usage contract with clear rules around the phone in writing and have it signed by your son/daughter and yourself. I'll provide details for this in a future article, but in the meantime, there are loads of free templates for this on the internet. I suggest using these as inspiration only and drawing up your own individual family agreement together. It’s very important that you work this out with your child/ren, and let them write it down. There needs to be discussion and negotiation rather than imposing things top-down. You need their buy-in for it to work! However, if there is a point you can’t agree on: it’s your device - your rules.

7. Be a good role model concerning your own phone use and talk to your child/teen about how they experience it. You might be surprised ;-)

If you’re unsure of where to start or feel concerned about your child’s phone usage, please feel free to give me a call - I’m always happy to help.

I hope this information has been useful on your way to more awareness and harmony around tech use in your family. Please contact me with any feedback or questions, I’d love to hear from you!

Till next time!

Much love,

Anke x

[1] Source: Roy Morgan Young Australians Survey 2020 for the Australian Communications and Media Authority (ACMA)