If not social media, what are the boys doing online?

Dearest parents,

I hope you had a lovely summer break and a great start into the new year. We spent 6 weeks in Europe seeing family and old friends, which was beautiful. I really enjoyed the Christmas markets, gingerbread and Glühwein, -7°C in the mornings, snowboarding… but I was also very happy to come back to summer!

In my last post I wrote about why social media generally affects girls more than boys. So, what are the boys spending their time on?[1] There are two main things, really.

 

What the majority of boys are actually doing online - and what that’s doing to them:

1. Boys are more interested in gaming. Before the internet arrived, playing video games was often a social activity boys enjoyed together with their friends. Now there are always other (anonymous) players online to play with from around the world, any time of day or night. So, many boys stay in their bedroom to play, alone. Instead of maturing in the real world, they retreat from it and rely increasingly on an unreal, virtual world and virtual “friends”. This can lead to loneliness, a loss of social skills and in more severe cases to internet addiction and depression.

2. The other major area of interest online for boys is watching videos and porn. Free, unlimited, easy access to hardcore pornography anytime/anywhere has shown to have a major impact on developing healthy relationships and sexuality in the real world. Many boys don’t know that porn actors are truly that: actors. It’s not reality and often degrading. Asking a girl out for a date face-to-face is a lot harder and scarier than visiting a porn site. It requires social skills.

3. At the same time, teen boys are the main target for sextortion[2]: 97% of cases reported to the Australian Centre to Counter Child Exploitation (ACCCE) were by 14–17-year-old boys. The number of incidents has increased by roughly 1,300% over the last year[3].  Boys are lured into the trap by a fake nude picture or video sent by the predator, which shuts down their logical defences as their brain’s executive functions (critical thinking & impulse control) aren’t fully developed yet and their hormones are surging. The impact on a boy’s life can be dramatic and has led to suicides.

4. Increasingly aggressive behaviours and irritability of boys and young men are often associated with dopamine addictions from gaming, lack of exercise (boys need to move physically! A lot!) and a significantly reduced willingness to take risks in real life. It’s much easier to play a skateboarding video game than actually going to the skate park and daring to go down that ramp or trying a backflip after all!

   
   

In summary: 

Boys use social media, but more for watching videos than for social interaction. Their other main areas of interest online are gaming and pornography. All of this is free or at a low cost, easily available around the clock, and accessible from the comfort and privacy of their own bedroom.  

Of course, watching videos and playing video games is fun and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it! Especially when enjoyed together with friends or family. The thing to watch out for is our child's or teen’s retreat into their bedroom to be on the screen, headphones on, behind a closed door and alone.

What parents can do: 

• Don’t let your kids take online devices into their bedroom or bathroom and shut the door. This is where most of the nude stuff happens.

• Ensure you block all typical porn sites/trigger words at modem level so it can’t be circumnavigated by using a different browser or device.

• Show interest and talk with your child or teen about what they’re experiencing and doing online, what they like/don’t like, if they've had any "weird" experiences or unknown people contact them. Educate them about risks like online predators, nude images and how they can be abused for things like sextortion.  

• Educate them about why porn is not what a romantic relationship looks like in real life.

• Make them move their bodies and touch grass. Very regularly. They need it.

• Boys need to know we still love and support them 100%, without judgment, no matter what happens to them or what they’ve done (e.g. when we check their browser history and see Pornhub listed on there) …

  
  

If you feel any of the above might be difficult for you, there are some great resources on: www.esafety.gov.au, kidshelpline.com.au and on www.commonsensemedia.org 

Or please feel free to give me a call, I’m always happy to help!

I hope this information has been useful on your way to more awareness around tech use in your family. Please contact me with any feedback or questions, I’d love to hear from you!

Till next time!

Much love,

Anke x

[1] Note: For ease of reading I’m generalising “girls” and “boys” in this article. Of course, every young person is different, and the findings might not be applicable to yours. Young people identifying with a gender minority also might not fit that mould.

[2] Sextortion is a rising form of blackmail in which sexual information or images are used to extort money or sexual favours from the victim. After gaining naked photographs or videos of the victim, the scammer threatens the publication of these pictures or to send them to their friends and family members. A demand of money is then made, though usually the scam is either a bluff (e.g. the scammer never intended to publish them) or the pictures/videos are published regardless, even if the money is sent. Source: Wikipedia, 2025

[3] Source: Kristie McVee – Founder of CAPE (Child & Sex Abuse Prevention and Education Australia)