Bullying Part 1: Know what to do if your child/teen is being bullied

Hey parents,

Bullying at Australian schools peaks around August every year, especially in year 7 classrooms. This is a normal cycle: The children have gone through the stages of initially getting to know each other in term one to forming first friendships and groups or making changes to existing ones in term two. With increasing familiarity (and the onset of puberty being an important factor, too), the emotions and friendship dynamics grow in term three – sometimes turning into bullying.

Bullying can lead to significant emotional stress and can even have similar long-term symptoms as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). So I think it’s important for parents to understand what it is and what to do (neither overreact nor brush it under the carpet), so you’re better prepared should your child/teen or one of their friends be affected. Being prepared increases the chances of resolving these issues more quickly and more successfully. 😊

How is bullying different from normal conflict between kids and teens?

Bullying has three characteristics that help identify it: it’s a repeated action, there is a perceived imbalance of power (the bully feels strong, the target weak/powerless) and it’s meant to hurt, i.e. it’s not hurtful by accident e.g. someone made a mistake and said something offensive.

Bullying can be physical, verbal or social (e.g. leaving someone out, spreading false rumours) and can happen offline (face-to-face) or online via messenger apps, gaming platforms, social media and many other channels that I’ll talk about in a separate post about cyberbullying.

However, a one-off argument (even if it’s big) or a few ups and downs with a friend or a group of friends are a normal and important part of growing up, learning social skills and exploring own and others’ boundaries. These incidents can usually be repaired if both sides are willing to take responsibility and find a solution.

How has bullying changed since we were at school? What about phones?

The core behaviour hasn’t changed. I remember this vividly from my time in primary school, when kids used to pencil mean things about another child onto the streetlamp posts we’d walk past on our way to school. Some of the stronger boys also physically threatened a smaller kid in my class during recess sometimes and girls excluded another from playdates. However, all this stopped the moment the harassed child was home.

With online devices, the bullying can follow a child or teen wherever they go and into the bedroom at night (if they’re allowed to keep their phone at night). It’s relentless and ever-present, the audience is much bigger, things are easily taken out of context and shared, rumours spread fast, screenshots/videos expose private moments, etc.

Offline and online bullying often overlap, leaving few safe spaces for the target. Exposure increases the younger a child is, the more unguided access they have to devices and apps and the less supervision by a trusted adult there is.

Children or teens often don’t tell their parents they’re being bullied. Why? How can we help them open up?

Kids often stay quiet because they might feel ashamed or embarrassed, don’t want to worry their parents, or are scared of making it worse by telling someone (there can be a threat by the bully linked to that). Often, it’s the fear of losing access to their phone or apps that stops them from talking about what’s happening.

This fear is a big showstopper for many honest conversations about how their online life is going. I’d love to encourage you to actively take this fear away by regularly speaking about their online experiences and saying things like “You’re not in trouble, I’m not going to take your phone away, I love you no matter what” etc.

Smaller, everyday connection is a much better way to create that feeling that it’s safe to tell you than few big talks. I recommend using those “side-by-side” moments when you sit in the car together, go for a walk, have a coffee, do crafts or gardening, or when cooking or a enjoying a meal. Any activity that doesn’t require your and your child’s/teen’s full focus is good and makes it easier for you to stay calm and casual.

Children observe us closely all the time and they watch how we react to small things before they trust us with big ones that make them feel vulnerable. Easy does it! 😊

Signs your child might be getting bullied

Some signs to watch for that might indicate they’re being bullied:

• Changes in mood or sleep

• Stomach aches on school mornings

• Not wanting to go to school or activities they used to like

• Pulling away from friends they used to hang out with

• Lost or damaged belongings with no (or an odd explanation)

• Being upset after using their phone.

However, none of these proves anything on its own. What matters is the change from what's normal for your child or teen.

The things you should and shouldn’t do

Due to the unfair nature of this type of harassment, it can be quite challenging when you learn you child or teen is getting bullied.

1. The most important first thing to do is NOTHING – stay calm! Even if you’re absolutely furious or heartbroken inside. Any emotional outbreak on your behalf will escalate things and scare your young person. They need to feel it’s safe with you and that you’re in control.

2. Listen to them with empathy, i.e. truly listen with every cell of your body. Bite your tongue! Don’t interrupt, suggest, try to fix, judge. This creates trust and connection and makes your young person feel heard and understood.

3. Thank them for telling you. Ask them how they feel. You can tell them how you feel then, too, but only if it’s in a calm manner. Avoid promising to keep it secret if it’s serious but you can promise to involve them in the next steps.

4. If it’s a good time to start exploring options together, you can ask them what they’d like to happen next (and truly listen again!). This gives them a sense of control. However, if you or they feel overwhelmed or don’t know what to do, you can say something like “let’s both think about possible ways on how to resolve this and reconvene later”. This gives you an opportunity to take the pressure off, do some research (e.g. Kidshelpline has very helpful information not only for kids but also for parents and teens, so does eSafety for cyberbullying).

Do NOT contact the bully or their family directly, this often escalates things.

However, if peers are involved, it’s a good idea to go to the school. Schools have a duty of care and most will provide an anti-bullying policy on their website (or ask the secretary), which you should check first.

Before you approach the school: together with your young person, write down what happened, when, and who was involved. Screenshot any online component before blocking or reporting to the platform. Most importantly: work as partners with the school rather than being reproachful or in attack mode. The school usually has trained staff (e.g. a counsellor) who can help with these issues. Calm persistence will lead to best results.

For serious online abuse report to the eSafety Commissioner; guidelines are on their website.

What else you can do to help your child/teen through this process

I’ve written about resilience quite a bit lately. It’s a key protective factor for mental health and for being able to grow from challenges rather than being crushed by them (depending on the severity of course).

Resilience grows from feeling supported, not from being left to cope alone (please see my posts on Resilience part 1: What is it and how to build it and Resilience part 2: What damages it, how to boost it & real-life examples). Asking a young person to simply “toughen up” or dismissing what they’re saying as making a mountain of a molehill will erode trust and the feeling of safety with you.

It’s about having their back throughout the process, even if you’re not always be sure how to handle it yourself. Guiding principle: There is ALWAYS a solution to any problem, and we’ll find it.

• Help them keep a life outside the problem:

  • Friendships beyond school

  • Sports, music, nature, play

  • Things they're good at and that they enjoy

  • Things that make them feel good (self-care)

• Discuss and practise what they might say or do in tricky moments, so they feel better prepared and less powerless. “What if” scenarios are really good for this.

• Keep a close eye on their wellbeing. If you see ongoing anxiety, low mood, or anything more worrying, call the Kidshelpline or involve your GP or a counsellor.

So, one of the most protective things you can give your child is a relationship where they know they can come to you with anything, and that you'll stay calm when they do.

I hope that this post has been helpful for your understanding of bullying and skills on your parenting journey, supporting your kids through life’s challenges.

If you’re unsure of how to start or if you feel concerned about your child’s or teen’s ability to cope with change or frustrations, please give me a call - I’m always happy to help! 😊 Did I mention there’s a FREE 20min “coaching discovery” call option on my booking page? Try me out! Absolutely no strings attached…

Till next time, keep in flow.

Much love,

Anke x