Resilience Part 2: Excessive risk, real-life examples & how to boost it

Hi there,

Following on from Part 1: Helping kids & teens build resilience in a fast-changing world (What is resilience? Why is it declining? How can I help build resilience in my child/teen?), I’d like to go into what undermines our children’s ability to get back up after they’ve stumbled, share some real-life examples and more tips on how to actively boost your kids' resilience with you. Let’s go!

What undermines developing resilience?

1) Excessive risks in the online world

Resilience isn't something your child either has or doesn't have. It's built through secure connection and age-appropriate experiences. Let’s say the secure attachment to at least one trusted carer is intact, the key word here is age-appropriate.

Children and teens are more exposed to age-inappropriate content and influence than we ever were. This is due to an online world that actively pushes shocking, harmful, negative, incorrect and inappropriate material to our kids and teens, even if they’re not looking for it. Why? We humans have a “negativity bias”, a feat of evolution that makes us pay attention to danger/negative events more than to positive things in order to keep us safe from harm. So this type of content keeps our brains engaged and watching, and that’s worth billions of dollars for BigTech. Algorithms and recommender systems quickly move from what children wanted to look at originally to completely different topics. Combined with endless scroll and new items popping up nonstop, there’s no escape for a developing brain.

So, whilst taking risks in real life (see below) boosts resilience, the online world offers excessive risks that will hinder or erode resilience, or even harm children’s mental, spiritual or physical wellbeing. You cannot unsee what you’ve seen or unhear what you’ve heard. Children can get harmed by seeing or experiencing things that were never meant for their (or sometimes any) age but that are very easy to access online.

For example:

• Exposure to harmful content (via browser, video games, social media, AI chatbots); from excessive violence to misinformation, abuse, racism, hate-speech, porn, discrimination, cruelty to animals etc.

• Grooming/ sexual abuse online

• Cyberbullying & public shaming

• Learning from the wrong influencers

• Taking extreme risks for likes/views

The good news is: There are plenty of ways for parents to reduce that exposure, and I’ve written blog posts or run presentations about most of them! From managing device and app access proactively with your child/teen, to having many (!) open conversations about these dangers, helping kids identify what content/contact is dangerous and how to navigate and report issues.

The slightly inconvenient news: It takes some time and effort on your behalf to show genuine interest in their experience of the online world, set parental controls, negotiate screen/phone use agreements, and use effective communication to build the skills they need to stay safe online.

However: It’s a fantastic investment! Like with everything else with kids, the effort you put in now to help them become better skilled at navigating their environment safely (and then more and more independently), will pay off well into the future. It might save you from, or at least significantly reduce, drama, upset or even mental wellness issues down the track – and these are massively time-intensive in comparison.

I can’t encourage you enough to consider this whenever you feel like you don’t have time right now to look into their phone settings or chat with them about their recent online experiences. I promise you won’t regret it😊

2) Safety-ism, over-protective parenting & overscheduling

Apart from unguided access to the online world there is another reason why resilience is on the decline and mental health issues on the rise in young people: Children are being kept “too safe” in the real world.

You might think “how can anything ever be “too safe”? Safety is a good thing!” and I agree with you. However, if safety-ism goes overboard and hinders children from taking ANY risk (e.g. boring, rubber matted playgrounds), they cannot build resilience as they don’t face any challenges. A challenge-free childhood has been proven to be negative for mental health later in life (see Resilience Part 1).

Over-protective parenting is a contributing unfortunate development when it comes to resilience. This involves solving problems for our kids rather than with them as well as shielding them from failure, discomfort or social difficulty. The "everybody wins!" concept is part of this.

Overscheduling is equally unhelpful, where children are carted from one (adult-lead) organised activity to the next. From toddler sports to dance lessons, drawing, tennis, piano, language classes, you name it. All these activities develop important skills, and are very valuable! In excess, however, they don’t allow for free exploration, intrinsic motivation and creativity, space to muck around, come up with own ideas, dream or even be bored. There’s limited opportunity left to try things, fail, improve and refine in their own time and in their own way.

Why would we do something that’s bad for our children? We don’t do it on purpose! We love them, we just want to see them happy and safe and help them as much as we can! This is natural and normal, but in our society, it’s been driven to the extreme.

The good news again: When we understand that we’re not helping them by doing this (don't feel guilty!), we have an opportunity to reconsider!

Two real-life examples:

1) Sadness - “I’m rubbish at everything!”

Let’s say your child has spent an hour building Lego or doing a craft. They try to fit the final piece into place and the whole thing breaks. They burst into tears and sob: “I’m just rubbish at everything!” What would you say or do?

Most of us want to jump in and help rebuild it, or say something like “Don't cry, it's just Lego, it's not important” or “That’s not true, think about all the things you’re good at, like…!”. These reactions come from love but they’re not truly acknowledging how the child feels in that moment. They don’t leave space for the child to fully experience what’s happening, making sense of it once the overwhelm passes and find ways to come out of it. We basically send the message that the feeling is too big for them to manage, and that they can't cope without us.

Rather than rushing in to fix or smoothen the waves, what builds resilience is staying soft and close but not rescuing. It might sound like: 'Oh dear, I can understand that you’re disappointed. You worked so hard on that… let me know if I can help, I'm right here.' Then the hard part: STOP talking! Let them have the feeling. Don't fix it. You're the calm anchor while they ride it out. Sit with the child's emotion calmly & long enough for self-regulation to start, being there for them but only if they need us. It’s called co-regulation. This is how children learn they can survive disappointment or sadness.

This was easy. Now a different scenario that involves overstepping boundaries:

2) Frustration - “I hate you!”

Your tween is playing their favourite but very intense video game. They’ve gone longer than they’re allowed to and it’s time to switch off. You say “Screens off now, please”… and they explode: “Noooo, I’m in the middle of a battle, I’m gonna lose if I leave now!” and escalates to “You ALWAYS do this, I hate you!” This is trickier, because it doesn’t immediately trigger sympathy like the previous case, but make us annoyed or angry instead, because a boundary is being overstepped.

However, the same skill is required in order to build resilience instead of resistance: Staying warm, available and empathetic but in this case still holding the line. You could say “You're having so much fun and really don't want to stop, I get it!” (PAUSE!) You could even ask them to show you where they’re at in the game and what they like about it, it’s very effective. Once they’ve had time to cool down a bit: “It’s still time to switch off and there’s also no need for you to talk to me like this… but I’m happy to help you find something else to do”. You might even let them find a way on how to save progress within the game or similar.

What else parents can do: Let them take age-appropriate risks in real life

We can also actively boost children’s resilience by letting them take age-appropriate risks in real life. These risks present themselves very naturally in the following settings:

• Active play

• Being outdoors in nature

• Experimenting and exploring how things work, taking things apart

• Social interactions & true connection in real life with people across all ages

• Independent decision making

• Taking responsibility for actions and chores

Provided the situation is safe, the less we interfere, the better!

Children need space and time to learn how to recognise their limits, feel their instinct, learn through trial and error. They need to have the opportunity to make mistakes, fall/feel the consequences and get up again – and realise they can do it! This creates a sense of confidence, self-worth and competence, which are all key protective factors against anxiety and improve mental wellbeing.

So, to summarise it in two sentences: Allow less risk taking when it comes to the online world and be less involved when it comes to taking appropriate risks in the real world! Be there to support them through the challenge, but don't solve it for them.

I understand that knowing this in principle is one thing but having the actual words ready in the heat of the moment, when you're tired and they're screaming, can be quite another. Take one step at a time. It's also a lot of what I help parents with and I’m only a phone call away.

Sorry it turned into a bit of a long post, but I hope that these tips and examples will help you on your parenting journey, supporting your kids becoming more resilient. It’s a core skill for life.

If you’re unsure of how to start or if you feel concerned about your child’s or teen’s ability to cope with challenges, please give me a call - I’m always happy to help! 😊 There’s a FREE 20min “coaching discovery” call option on my booking page! Give it a go! Absolutely no strings attached…

Till next time, keep in flow.

Much love,

Anke x